This has been a long time coming but I think I have finally reached my all-time low. Every single day I awaken with a little less spirit and a more profound feeling of worthlessness than the one that I woke up with yesterday. My excitement, curiosity and simmering anticipation are all starting to fade away. I feel like I have let down a past version of myself who had this unwavering belief that I would get to be the best that I can be. With every unanswered application comes a tiny chipping away at my soul and the little voice of doubt becomes a little bit louder, telling me that I should think about compromising on my dreams and start to settle for less. At what point does this time come? At what point should I give up on applying for the dream jobs and start applying for the 'get me by' jobs?
Since I was five years old and spent hours at a time in my bedroom making clothes for my barbies out of tissues I knew that fashion would become a big part of my life and I was excited at the thought that one day I could have a job in fashion. Then in my teens I devoured any kind of media I could get my hands on and enjoyed the access that it gave to a whole other world. Growing up in a rural village in Northern England I always knew there was something else out there and I always knew that I could be a part of it. And for a little while I was. I always felt like a bit of a fraud, masquerading as somebody that I'm not, but to my delight I found that no one doubted my right to be there.
Somebody once gave me a tiny sticker that says the words 'Believe In Yourself and Everything That You Are' which I have on my bathroom mirror that I look at every day. Every inspirational piece of advice that anyone ever gives to anyone will contain something about believing in yourself in order for others to believe in you too, and this is something that I have started to struggle with. You see, I do-or at least I did- believe unquestioningly and whole-heartedly that I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do and go where I want to go, but this belief is worthless without an outlet in which to prove these claims.
Sometimes it feels like I'm in a glass cage in the middle of Piccadilly Circus; I can see everything that is going on and so desperately want to be a part of it but no one can hear me shouting to let me out, so I just have to stand by and watch everything that's going on. I'd be much more useful on the outside of the cage and I might even be able to make a difference but I start to wonder if people can see the cage around me.
I am so hungry to learn, poised at any moment to give it my all, but my moment never comes. I have a brain full of ideas, a heart full of dreams and a wardrobe full of clothes ready for a new life that I can no longer see within my grasp. I am so acutely aware of how short life is and I hate myself every day that time is just slipping by, unremarkable.
I know this post is really just a rant and there are people who are far, far worse off than me, but it is a truly disheartening place to be, knowing that you have so much to give yet somehow being passed by by the people who hold the key to your future and success. I don't want to sound entitled or bitter because I'm sure that the posts I have applied for have been filled by people who are very deserving, but I am just hoping that my time will come soon. I feel like I've earned it, and at this point I'll definitely know how lucky I am when that time does come.